Where did I put that?, why can’t I find it?, I have no idea what I am doing!, why have I come downstairs?….. we all have moments of forgetting and misplacing things, especially if you have just had a baby like I had. Grief has a habit of heightening that forgetfulness and confusion. When my husband died, someday’s I would spend a lot of time lost in my own home (a small 2 bed house!), not remembering what I was trying to do or what was that thing I had just put down and now can’t find?
But loosing stuff after my loss was nothing really. What WAS another big deal was that I had lost myself. Losing my husband changed every single aspect of my life, it has been the hardest thing that had ever happened to me, half of everything I knew had gone in an instant. My emotions towards everything and everyone changed, my beliefs, dreams and desire had changed, I had changed and I had no idea who I was. This realisation felt like another stab to my heart, I lost my husband, random stuff around the house, my baby’s socks, but as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I wasn’t sure who I saw, I was lost in every way possible.
It took me a while to grieve this part of my grief journey, it was never something I thought I would ever come up against – not knowing the person in my own body. I also had to try and explain to others that I wanted something different, I was following a new path now, my likes and wants had changed and carried on changing for a few years after my loss. This came up against comments like ‘don’t make any hasty decisions’, ‘you don’t know what you want right now’, ‘why would you want to do that’, ‘wait at least 5 years before you move house’…. I understand peoples thought process but it wasn’t helpful. I need to figure out who I was and hope other people were up for making the effort to get to know the new me, this person I was trying to figured out myself.
So where do you go with this? Any loss, however big or small the loss may seem, will change a part of you. You learn a bit more about yourself through losses, sometimes parts of you that have always been there but haven’t really shown their self shine through. This is where mindfulness played a big part for me in my healing journey. I started journaling, (which I now rave about to my clients and community all the time!) fairly immediately after my husband died and still do now nearly 7 years on. It is one of the best ways, in my opinion, to get thoughts (often in the form of a very messy tangled ball of words) out of your head, which then gives you some head space to figure out what those words are actually trying to say. It also helps you to focus, problem solve and release emotions. Without this releasing process, negative emotions can cumulate inside us heightening all the hurt, pain, anger, sadness, confusion and frustration. It will either come out like an explosion, often directed at the wrong person or it can make us physically unwell, run down and exhausted.
I realised by journaling that through my grief, that I was either keeping myself really busy or I was isolating myself from the world and using food, drink and shopping to give me short term emotional boosts. Neither of these things were actually helping me, they were only numbing my emotions for a later date. But I couldn’t stop and be with my emotions, I was terrified of what that would mean, terrified that I would actually have to feel my pain and accept my loss and I couldn’t bare the thought of that. I started to journal about my pain. This way I could release it from my body in a less scary way. I focused on writing about it, not feeling it. After time this became my best coping tool. It also calmed me so I could slowly slowly start trying to be with my emotions, still my body and mind, be more present in my own life, for me and my son. This was also the start of my mindfulness journey and after a few years, a lot of self development, with a few extra qualifications now under my belt, I created my Mindful Grief Programme.
If you resonate with any of this and fancy giving journaling ago, here are a few tips and prompts to get you going:
There is no right or wrong way to journal.
Use any medium that suits you
Try and find a quiet, private space where you feel comfortable so you can let the words flow
I often put the date so I can look back and see my personal growth
Journal prompts are great if you don’t know what to start journaling about:
Today I am feeling…
My favourite memory of you is…
I miss you so much. You were…
The support from ‘x’ is amazing because…
I wish…
I can hear…
My dream last night was about…
When I think of you I feel…